Have you ever had that moment when you go..."What did I just do?" I think Beth Moore described my life best in a book I am reading when she said...
I had my headphones on and my ipod blaring. My left hand, complete with wedding ring and fresh manicure, was up in the air praising God, and my right hand was down by my side, gripping a shot gun. I know how to load it. I know how to use it. I grinned, shook my head, and thought to myself, How on earth did this happen....
As I read this it hit me hard I knew this was me, God constantly brings it to my attention to clean out parts of my old self that seem to resurface at times...
I feel my life is a bit two sided...I feel even though I praise my creator with genuine feeling and love him with every bit of my being there is still a part of me that is holding that shot gun...
Ready to handle things on my own if need be...
This makes me question how strong my faith is wondering do I fully rely on God? Will I ever be able to put down my shot gun and just trust that whatever comes my way HE CAN HANDLE!
Will I ever know that and fully trust in the fact that my God is big enough he doesn't need me for back up.
Deep down inside I know this but knowing and truly believing are two different things.
You can know something your whole life and never put it into action.. For example lots of people know they should eat better but unless they do it they will live the rest of their lives fat and unhealthy...
We can know we need to put our guard down lay our shot gun down and throw that other hand in the air and allow our "whole" selves to worship him free from the bondage of our past but if we never do it we will just live a life of chains never to walk in the total freedom of a new life in Christ...
This is what I think s many of us struggle with...Being "half surrendered" I think with me God is pressing in he is saying to me I want it all...I don't want the problems that are left over...The ones you couldn't handle on your own. I don't want the left over time...I don't want to be who you spend time with when you have nothing better to do...
MOST IMPORTANTLY I feel him saying I want your whole heart not just what is left over from the pain and hurt of your past, not just the pieces that you pushed to the front the few you had left that you thought where "God worthy"
I feel him saying "Cody I died for you"...and you don't think I can handle your problems, your insecurities, your heartaches, your pain...I can break these chains and set you free if you will just drop the gun....
