The Flower Drop Off

I knew she was sick, I knew I needed to go and see her but the last time I had been there was the memory I wanted to hold onto. I didn't want the one of her sick...the one of her laying in the bed not even knowing I was there.

So for her birthday I took her flowers...I left them on the porch and ran. AFRAID...of what I might find if I were to go inside.

She knew I loved her, I knew she loved me this was good enough...

I got home from the "flower drop off" and my phone rang....she left a message..Cody, "This is your grandma...I love you thank you for my flowers."

Realizing that she realized I had been there and left I was overwhelmed with emotion. I got in my car and drove. On the way there I imagined what I would see in her eyes. I thought of what I would say.

I walked in to find her laying in the bed. She still looked lovely...She was wearing a red hat and her nails were polished as they had always been. She smiled at me when she heard my voice. She can barley see these days. I sat by her and she held my hand...

I started telling her funny stories about the kids and our trip to the beach...as she looked straight ahead and never said a word...When I finally stopped talking she spoke..."I love you Cody" I said I know Grandma I love you too!

As she fell asleep she kept a tight grip on my hand...I looked around the room at all the cards and flowers from all the people who love her, I thought about the last time I had been in that room...when she was still cancer free...I wondered how I would leave...what I would say...and if it would be the last time I told her I loved her?

So I squeezed her hand and said go to sleep now Grandma I love you and I will see you again soon...She said I love you MORE! I walked out of the room and cried....

I am not sure if I will see her again on this side of eternity, but I am happy tonight I made the decision to go and see her. I think she was glad too! I love her...and this sucks...SCREW YOU CANCER...

Her Granddaughter,
Cody

feelingless and faithfilled

Well tonight there is a awkward silence in my thoughts as I just take a moment to process what I have been told. Details don't matter as I have told many I type my feelings and they are just missing at this point...I am numb to exactly what is going on.
I am distracted by everyday life kids and work. The flu that somehow crept its way into what I thought was my germ free home.

I continue to stay positive deliberately pointing out all my blessings instead of counting all my trials.

Meccia is about the same still feverish and Josh has been SUPER HUSBAND jumping in alternating work times and helping with the long list of medications Meccia is taking, entertaining the boys, and dating Hali, praying over me when he sees I am at the end of my rope but just don't say anything.

Countless friends send me text and FB messages of prayers and support, for my grandmother and my family.

I am filling out the invites for meccias baptism. I am elated to have the honor of seeing that next weekend!

Life is moving things are changing, and I don't get to control it all. I do get to choose how I react to what is happening though and I choose to remain steadfast. To draw closer to Jesus and love those around me with all my might for however long it is God loans them to me.

I was encouraged tramendously by a dear friend with this scripture and I have held this promise close to my heart today.

James 1:12
"Blessed is the woman who remains steadfast under trial, for when she has stood the test she will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

I regret to inform you.....

Well the last couple of weeks have been a little stressful to say the least...I started a new job after being out of the "work world" for almost five years as a stay at home mom. I has been different to say the least. Although I am blessed to have had this job fall in my lap as a final blessing from a special friend as she went to be with the Lord.

Around the same time I learned my grandmother had a brain tumor...enough said...

They ran test and test and some more test...the news was not good.

I took the news in stride as I heard my dad's heartbroken words this morning. I held it together so that he didn't have to.

Once I got home from work Josh told me Meccia had come down with something and was running a high temperature.

It was the last bit of self control I had left. I swept away into the kitchen for a brief moment of prayer...As I prayed alone with God I thought if God were sitting across the table what would I say. How would I express my pain to him.

It went something like this...

God,

I don't understand your plan for my grandmother one bit. I am angry with you for all that you have taken me through in the past few months, and I am clueless as to how you expect me to break this news to my daughters. My heart is broken and I want you to fix this. I promise you I will be selfish in this situation, I will not like some of the steps my family will have to make together in the coming months. I promise I will question you, I will yell at you, and I am sure I will cry out to you.

In this I also know that I will trust you, I will lean on you, I will keep my faith in you and know that you are walking through this fire with my grandmother and my family. I will not harden my heart towards you but open it up to you so that you may fill my soul with a comfort I can only find in you. I promise that I will fall and when I do I am sure I will fall hard but I will do it without even thinking because I know you will catch me and when I am too tired to walk this journey any longer I know you will carry me! I promise I will not always understand your plan but I will trust in it knowing you are a all knowing God and that my grandmothers suffering here is just a vapor of time compared to her time she will spend in eternity with her Lord and savior.

I know you understand my feelings and I know you hear my hearts cry. I know you know that in my perfect world you would choose to heal my grandmother, and if you do you are GOOD...but if you don't you are still GOOD.

I heard this statement at church a few weeks back...I know I heard it because you were preparing me for this...I know you do not punish us you prepare us...

Cody

My grandmother will have brain surgery to remove her tumor on Wed prayers are appreciated...

ok so here goes i have been having some issues with my weight i was on the depo shot and i take a medication for OCD both make u gain weight on top of that i had two boys 15 months apart but that being said i weigh 20LBS more now than the day i came home from the hospital with East so i must take some responsibility i am frustrated and want to be skinny again like i used to be! i have been on a low cal diet for a week tom/ SUN I have been walking everyday pushing my boys in a double stroller combined wieght is about 90LBS boys + stroller so i give myself a little extra credit for that think it does not make a difference then i challenge you to try it alone and then push my boys alone is much less work i know i have done it! anyways back to walking i reached my 4 mile a day goal today I WAS SO HAPPY! plan is to stick to that 4 miles a day everyday! i have been a little frustrated because dispite all my hard work this week i have yet to loose one single pound! i thought i had then learned my scale was off! i went to the bariatric clinic and i just cant do it i want to do this on my own with out having to take pills i have changed my birth control and i am determined to beat this! i am not going to put my actual weight on here but will post when each ten pounds has been lost i would like to loose 55 LBS! i even thought about putting a sign in my front yard that states how much weight i have lost so when all my neighbors see that crazy girl pushin those poor babies around the block over and over twice a day they will all know why! today i passed some girls i went to high school with in a store i heard them whisper theres cody she has gotten big! i got in my car called josh and just cried josh said cody you have always been fueled by anger you know i am the person if u tell me i cant i will just to prove you wrong so josh said dont let it upset you let it make you mad! so i did and as i was huffin and puffin my way around my block that last mile i heard those whispers in my head and it helped me to press on and keep going! others negativity only makes me stronger! now i am not writing this so a bunch of people can tell me what diet worked for them or even to get kind words i know from having 10LB babies with no medication when it comes down to pushing it out no one can help you it is just you and the strength god gives you! so i dont need your help i know to get this weight off its just me and god unless you wanna push me around the block in a stroller what i would like from those of you who are reading this who really know me pray gods blessing opon this mission i have set out for myself pray god would give me a strength only he can provide pray health into my life and dont stop at just one prayer i will take as many as u all are willing to send up! i am tough i know i can do this!

I thought it was dry skin?

So I have been dealing with THE FUNK for about two months now! I went to the doctor and they said you have dermititus we will give you some cream and all will be well. I tryed the cream and it hurt so bad to put it on i decided to not use it and let it go! "It will heal on it's own at some point I told myself"
WELL IT DID NOT HEAL! So off to the doctor I went once again. He said you have a fungus?? A fungus! He looks all over me and discovers it is also on my feet! I thought it was dry skin???? Anyways he said it is a foot fungus and it has been going on so long it has traveled and now is on your hand! Meanwhile my feet feel fine my hand is itchy and burning! He puts me on this fungus medication for a month!
Now I can deal with pain i had a ten pound kid with no medication but this stuff hurts. So last night I just finally told Josh i can't deal with this anymore i am in pain anything that touchs my hand hurts i can not take the top off of a sippy cup it hurts i can not wash my hair with that hand because the soap hurts too bad and it is getting worse after a month of meds rather than better so he said call the doctor.
i called him and he saw me this morning after trying everything else he has decided it is an immune disorder it is kind of like my immune system is confused it is attacking sickness in my body but it is also attacking my body it's self the attacks are brought on by stress. it will go away for brief periods of time but never forever, it will be somthing i will have to deal with forever. they have put me on a six day round of high dosage steroids and after that my only sorce of treatment will be UVA light treatments once a week (which i do not have time for but will have to do i guess) and botox treatments in my hands to kill some of the nerves to help with the pain and swelling??
I was in tears by the time i got to my car and josh called to see what the doctor said the first thing i told him was boo it's not going to go away and in the sweetest most soothing voice he said well ok what are we going to have to do to deal with it! i just cried i want it to go away i don't want to deal with it as he told me it would all be ok!
i know its not cancer i will not die from it but i am having a hard time with this. it is hard to type because my fingers are so swollen i can not bend them if i do bend them they will crack open and bleed.
i am writting to ask for your prayer. although to some it may not be a big deal i have never had anything that would not go away i need to function, i need to give my babies a bath without pain, i need to be able to open my own drink? I am just trusting that my God is an awsome god and he knows my need! He knows the desire of my heart to be happy and take care of my babies! I know he hears my prayer and my prayer is God heal me of this !!! Take it away i know he can and that is what i am going to pray for an out pouring of his healing all over my body to take this from me!
Thanks for listening and taking the time to read this i hope you will also keep me in your prayers!
IN HIM
Cody