so tonight at 1:30 am i can not sleep i am so confused! i have had some reservations about god and all that he brings i have often wondered although i have been raised in church is it all really real!
i made a pact with myself a good long while back that i would begin to pray so i did! I actually begain to pray alot in this i realized he is there! he heard all of my prayers and answered some of them how i wanted him to! i have now come so far in my prayerful life that i like to talk to god as if he were sitting next to me! i argue with him when i feel like he is not doing what i want him to i cry to him when there is no one around sometimes i scream to him to help me when i feel like i just can not take it anymore and he hears me i know he does!
i have often taught sunday school, reading bible stories to children the night after i have gone out and gotten drunk with my friends! i used to think it was ok as long as no one knew or you know the old at least i made it here this morning thought. i have been part of the prayer chain i have bought toys for needy kids i have taken food at 6 am on christmas eve to familys in need i have helped with bible school and even scrubbed the church toilets a time or two...
this did not make me a christian this did not make what i do in my private life ok this did not justify the way i live in my day to day life. i can no longer be one person on sunday and another through the week... now dont get me wrong i am not a awful drunk who neglects her children and smokes crack i am just your average i like to go out and kick it in a bar with my friends and get away kind of person a girl who lets a cuss word fly every now and again, and that may be fine for some and it was fine for me, but not now
i feel like i am supposed to do more i am a half christian and that is not at all what god wants me to be i have to be a whole christian and of that i am afraid! i am afraid when people hear i want to make some changes that they will expect me to be perfect pointing out my every mistake as if i am some kinda billboard for the "messed up christian" i do not claim i will ever be perfect but i will try! i will try to be the best christian i can be but that may require some friend changes i may have to remove myself from people who can not accept my change or people who do not want to encourage me because god knows i will need it! i am afraid i will fail i although i know god will always love me i feel like he is calling me to do more what if i don't turn out to be all he thinks i am cracked up to be?
what if he calls me and i just fall over and throw a fit and scream i dont want to like meccia will it help? no i tryed and he still calls me he still speaks to me everyday give me your all your heart and soul and i will open doors for you! i am good with the doors i already have god but he just wont give up! you know you can run but you cant hide from the big man it has taken me 25 years to realize that!
so as for now i am makin changes i am trying to be all i feel god wants me to be a godly mother and wife someone who reflects god in her day to day life and i guess i will see where that takes me but i tell you all as scared as i am i do know it can only take me good places bigger places more peaceful places if i walk beside him everywhere i go i can only move forward!
so if you pray please pray for me please pray god will reveal himself to me please pray he will push me in the direction he wants me to go in ...
thanks and love in christ,
cody
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